The island territory of Peurto Rico has formally voted to become America’s 51st state.
Loud, Crime-Infested and Endlessly Sassy: Is Puerto Rico Truly Ready to Become America’s 51st State?

The island territory of Peurto Rico has formally voted to become America’s 51st state. In true Peurto Rican fashion, it wasn’t really a request but rather a loud, bossy demand. This is the first time in the territory’s history that they’ve approved such a measure. In past referenda, they have actually expressed an interest in severing ties with the U.S. to become an independent sovereign nation.

But who are the Peurto Ricans? Are they ready to become our nation’s newest state? And are we, as Americans, truly ready to make these colorful Spanish-speaking islanders part of our national fabric?

Peurto Rico is a lush Caribbean island that has been under United States protection for over 70 years as an “unincorporated territory.” It relies on the goodwill of America for its very existence. Being next door to communist Cuba, our military is essential for its survival. Having a massive crime and poverty rates, federally-funded welfare programs are vital for its needy. Much like Guam or the Virgin Islands, it was seen as a place that was too small and unreliable to govern itself independently. With utmost compassion, the American people made a commitment to care for the chaotic, reckless natives in this far-oft land for generations.

The Peurto Rican people are a confusing mix of black, Latino and aborigines (the Taino people). They have dark skin and are, on average, of shorter height than normal Americans. Their hair is worn in either short, kinky Afro style or straightened in long, luxuriant strands of black. They’re drawn to the bright colors of their island flag and most wear red clothing daily. “PRs,” as they like to be called, are a very musical people. In their cars, on the streets and in their homes, they listen to a constant stream of brassy, bassy ethnic songs at ear-splitting levels. Whether it’s fusion jazz or Latino hip-hop, one only need follow the loud thumping music to ferret out a group of PRs.

On a personal level, the Peurto Ricans can be quite cheerful and surprisingly talkative. Spanish is their native language, though many have a rudimentary grasp of English (particularly when it comes to words like “money,” “good times” and “back door”). If you engage a PR in conversation, it can literally take over an hour to extract yourself from their presence. Arguments are a favorite pastime. No matter what subject you’re talking about, they’re likely to get quite loud and throw up their arms while standing aggressively close. Their passionate nature can be ascribed to their Latino heritage, and their hypersexualized character comes from being a sheltered island people. Indeed, PRs often see arguments as foreplay before hardcore sexual intercourse.

The men preen for their erotic role in PR society with smooth, finely sculpted bodies and delicately soft skin. They prefer to walk the streets shirtless. The women are buxom and prone to bikini tops and tight jean shorts. Often, the girls are the aggressors pursuing males with shocking catcalls and heavy makeup. Intercourse between the two tends to involve a great deal of “dirty talk” followed by discussions of marriage (even between grunts and moans, the Peurto Ricans are world class talkers!). There is even a preponderance of homosexual male-on-male encounters among the men, in dark public bathrooms and on menacing jungle paths. These scenarios are sweaty and fast, with little affection after the fact.

The sexual component of Peurto Rico is an important factor for us to consider and has contributed to their interest in statehood. When the island first became an American protectorate, it was small and isolated. Since then, the population has skyrocketed to over 4 million people, with many, many more in cities like New York and Miami. Indeed, some consider it a mistake that our federal government has so amply funded the Latino lifestyle of sexual antics. Warm weather, beautiful beaches and a reliable stream of federal government welfare has all but insured that Peurto Ricans will devote most of their time to erotic exploits. In the end, this begs the question of whether we should reward the PRs inability to practice sexual self-control with an outsized presence in Washington, D.C.

Barack Obama and the Democrat Party have both stated publicly that they fully support Peurto Rican statehood. The next step is for Congress to approve the measure and even some Republicans have said they’re on board. If it becomes law, the changes will be immediate. For Peurto Ricans, statehood allows them access to vast new resources of federal funds at a time when America is ill-prepared to take on millions of welfare-dependents. Most important, PR will receive between 6 and 7 seats in the House of Representatives. Because of the fixed number of representative allowed in Congress, other states would have to give up those 6 or 7 seats to make room for the Latinos. The island would also be granted two seats in the Senate, raising our total number there from a nicely even 100 to 102. This would be a bonanza for the liberals.

Ultimately, we need to question whether the rampant corruption and sexual debauchery of Peurto Rico makes their people fit to serve in our Congress. United States Senators have always embodied a strong moral compass and a righteous vision. Would that be compromised with the inclusion of these bossy island people? What language would their Congressmen speak in Washington? Would we need to make provisions for translators and expensive audio equipment to accommodate those who refuse to learn America’s true native tongue?

Finally– and this may seem like a minor point but it is a hugely significant one– what about our flag? The American flag, Old Glory, is one of the greatest symbols mankind has ever known. For struggling peoples across the globe it represents freedom and justice. With the Peurto Ricans joining the fold, we’ll need to add another star. Yet the 50 stars we now have are perfectly even and harmonious. That beautiful harmony represents the balance of morality and decency in America today. The red symbolizes both the blood of our troops and the blood of Christ. The blue background celebrates the Rule of Law so necessary in our states. Altogether, our flag is an amazing icon of American greatness yet the Peurto Ricans want to mess that up. Where will their little star go? The end result is sure to be crazy, disruptive and totally unsatisfying… much like the addition of the island itself into our nation’s fold.

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