A writer asks how they can handle their masturbatory child.
How Should I Punish My Son for Masturbating?

I’m getting really fed up with my son. He never helps out around the house and never does his homework. He’s just lazy! This week alone I’ve caught him about ten times gratifying himself. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, he seems to always sneak off to do it. And I’m the one who has to pick up the stinky tissues from the floor and wash those nasty sheets! It’s just disrespectful and frankly a boy at 18 should know better. Is there anything I can do to make him get his act together? –Angry in Austin.

1. Long, hot baths
The masturbator exudes a filthy ripeness after he’s “finished his business.” Beyond the odor of sweat, the dross will smell like a curious mixture of laundry bleach and damp almonds. To counteract this, Mothers should admonish their boys to wash themselves thoroughly. By emphasizing cleanliness, you are laying the foundation for the mature responsibilities of adulthood.

2. You’re grounded, young man!
Want to hit your teen where it hurts? Their freedom is certainly their most prized possession and by sending your child to his room, you’re letting him know that his negative actions have serious consequences. Don’t be surprised if after an hour or two he emerges with an apology!

3. Take away their phone, television and videogame privileges
A teen can waste an entire day in front of the boob tube or yakking on the phone and barely notice that he’s grounded. Let him know this is not the time to catch up on back episodes of Twilight by limiting his pleasure outlets.

4. Spanking?
Despite the ridiculous reign of new age liberal sensitivity in America today, sometimes the old-fashioned ways work best. When offended by such a foul teenage habit, Moms need to be free to express themselves! Don’t be afraid to plop your son over your knee and tan his bare hide with a good spanking. He may even thank you for it later in life.

5. Early bed times
Sending your teen to bed early sends a clear message that you think his actions are juvenile and that they deserve a punishment fit for a juvenile.

6. Make him earn your respect back
It’s important that you let your teen know just how ashamed and unhappy you feel about his dangerous self-abuse. Be direct when you confront him and be stay vigilant in the days ahead. You can monitor his progress in a notebook and when you detect unusual stains and that almond/bleach smell on his sheets, let him know right away that he’s not getting away with it this time!

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